She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The Olympian is in my bed
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