You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
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Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
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You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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