I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
