my phone cant type all the emotion im having
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
