I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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