Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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