i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
