Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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