If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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