Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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