the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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