she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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