life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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