Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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