I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
