drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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