oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
