I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
