I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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