I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
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And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
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I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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