I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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