I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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