I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
