The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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