I just threw up on my dentist
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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