My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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