They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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