my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
