im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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