I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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