one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
