i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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