My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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