just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
