Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
