look no pants
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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