I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
