i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
