Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
