Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
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Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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