yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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