My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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