You just made me feel so damn special
We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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