You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
