I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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