why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
