I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
