babies were throwing up all over the place
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
