he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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