when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
