Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
