census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
