How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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