If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
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