Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
